It's So Quiet

Profound loneliness pervades my existence.
I'm approaching 30 years old. My life is a mess.
It's just one calamitous relationship after another.
Is it possible for someone to live their life and never be happy?
Not for more than one day, at least.
It seems as though the universe is conspiring against me.
A good day. Then a bad day.
Another good day.
And then a disastrous day.

The kind of day that makes me crawl into bed and sleep for a week.
Only taking a break from my sleep for the occasional cigarette.
I tell you, if it wasn't for cigarettes, I could sleep for days on end.

These feelings are not the same old feelings.
I've been depressed before. This is different.
This is profound sadness. My soul is aching.
Before, I would have no trouble feigning happiness.
Now, I just feel so ambivalent.
Feigning happiness is not even an option.
I can't even feign sadness. That would be a step up.
It's a morose darkness inside of me I've never felt before.

I know I can make it go away.
It's really very simple.
On easy motion. One magical sound:


BANG!