Sunday, June 22, 2008

Another minion is on the way!

Big week here in Adam-land. My twin sister, Amanda, is due to "give birth" this week by Thursday at the latest. I say "give birth" because she's probably going to be induced. This kid just does not want to leave the friendly confines of her womb.

I can't really blame him. Stay as long as you want, fella.

This makes six legitimate nieces and nephews under my control. I am psyched. The oldest ones are nearing the time where I will begin their training. Training for what? World domination. Duh.

I just hope young Gabriel is ready. Yes, Gabriel. For my part, I did my best to dissuade them from naming him that. It was originally going to be Charles, but they didn't like the looks that people gave them when they told them. I tried to get them to name him Adam. When that didn't work, I gave them the name I was going to use for my first born son. Seeing as how I am nearing 30 and have no actual prospects of ever having a baby of my own, I decided to give it to them. "Please," I said. "Name your son Archibald. It's yours."

Can you believe they laughed in my face. Archibald is too fruity, they said.

Good luck, Gabriel.

Yeah, I'd react that way if my parents named me that, too. Sorry pal.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Quietly sneaking back into the room...

I was strolling through the park one day, and it turns out, I missed the entire month of May. I did however avoid being taken by surprise by a pair of roguish eyes...

So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

Just decided to pop in and say hello. Hello. I do have a few things to say, but nothing of any importance. First, when and if you are ever unemployed, please, for the love of all things holy, please do not take the first job offered to you. Especially if said job is in a business you have no prior knowledge of (Yes, I'm ending a sentence with a preposition. What are you gonna do about it?). I have spent the better part of three decades avoiding fixing cars and learning about how they run... And now my chickens are coming home to roost. (That makes no sense. Wouldn't roosters come home to roost? Shouldn't chickens come home to... I don't know, chick?) Anyway, just take this tip from me. If you haven't already, choose a profession that you know a little something about. Otherwise you'll end up working 50 plus hours a week in order to more familiarize yourself with your inventory. Boy, am I glad I went to school for radio broadcasting.

Second, I have started smoking again. It was just too much. I was going insane with the job. And I needed something to make my head stop from spinning, and I couldn't get my hands on any black tar, so I sparked up a tobacco doobie. I'm simultaneously disappointed in myself and proud that I was able to go that long without them. Sure, it was only two months. But it was the longest two months of my life. Be glad I chose tobacco and not the alternatives. I am.

And finally, a big FUCK YOU to my "favorite band": Coldplay.Where the fuck do you get off? I mean seriously? Where do you get off? You may be wondering where the hell I'm going with this. Well, you stay the fuck out of this. This is between me and their pussy of a front man... Chris Martin. I am so pissed at what you've done to me. How could you possibly force me to actually enjoy your new song? You're a fucking monster.

Can I get some rock now to make me feel better?

Thank you.

It feels good to be blogging again. It may be a few weeks before I remember how to string together more than 3 sentences to form something other than this incoherent drivel get back into a groove. But I'm back. For good.

Are you as disappointed about that as I am?