Tuesday, February 5, 2008

.....And Start All Over Again

Day one.
A year and a half.... down the drain.
One night. One stupid mistake.
I regret every moment of it.
Every wonderful yet self-destructive moment.
Spent the day yesterday vomiting and sweating.
It's hard to sweat when it's 10 degrees outside.
But I managed.

But mainly, it was the headache that hurt.
Not in the physical sense, although it did.
It hurt because I had put so much effort into staying clean.
I was happier (sort of).
I was healthier.
I had regained use of my brain.
Well, the limited portion that still processes reasonable thought, at least.
And now, I must begin again.
What a waste.
I couldn't be more disappointed in myself.

I made a promise to never slip.
And I broke that promise.
I am ashamed and at the same time,
I am happy.
Happy because I have realized my mistake.
The error of that one moment of weakness.
And the fact that I have recognized the error,
That makes me happy.
It means that I am past that particular part of my life.
I can now move forward, knowing I have not made some giant mistake.
I have made the right decision.
And the fact that I have reacted so viscerally to my slip up
Means I am no longer under the spell of that useless drug.
No longer compelled by it's siren song.
I believe that I am now stronger for having relapsed.

I can see that it is a fruitless pursuit,
This unattainable search for the perfect life.
I may not be perfect in my living.
But who amongst us is?
I am happy with who I am.
A statement I could not have made even three months ago.
And again, that makes me happy.
As fleeting as that feeling may be,
I must take it in the moment and cherish it.

For who knows what tomorrow may bring.
We must start all over again.
With each new day brings new problems.
New questions.
New answers.
New everything.
Just new.
Every morning that the sun shines is a gift.
A chance to start again, and to do it better than the day before.
We may not win every battle that we fight.
In fact, we will lose far more than we will win.
But we must take solace in the little victories,
Pyhrric as they may seem.
Because in those seemingly small events,
What is real and true and good about ourselves is revealed.

It's morning again.
The sun is up.
And today,
I start all over again.


elizabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
elizabeth said...

i have no adroit observation for you on this one. i could say something useless like, "taking it one day at a time is all you can do." but high school guidance counselors have always pissed me off.
what's that you say? rambling, pointless comments left by strangers pisses you off?
i enjoy them.

Adam said...

i see you rescinded your prior comment. i was momentarily confused. one seemed mean spirited and the other seems jovial in nature. which is real?

it's amazing how one little tag of a phrase at the end of a paragraph can affect the meaning and timbre of the entire thing.

elizabeth said...

mean spirited is not a characteristic that suits me. confusion, though, is where i excel.

Adam said...

good to know. you should fit right in here. i'm constantly awash in a sea of confusion.

feel free to leave rambling pointless comments here whenever you want. i don't just enjoy them, i revel in them!

Girl Interrupted said...

It's nice that you now know that it doesn't have any power over you. I alway say to myself when I do something stupid. "Kick yourself in the ass and start again." I always have to remind myself of that so I don't dwell on it. Really it sucks but it's also something you won't have to wonder about now, you know that it wasn't something you were truly missing.

Happy that Monday is over, the rest of the week will only have to be better.


Whimsicalsun said...

Makes me glad to read your words.
The same thing happens to me last year...and I'm still here.


Adam said...

girl- nope. no more power over me. and it's quite liberating.

sol- Hugs.