A year and a half.... down the drain.
One night. One stupid mistake.
I regret every moment of it.
Every wonderful yet self-destructive moment.
Spent the day yesterday vomiting and sweating.
It's hard to sweat when it's 10 degrees outside.
But I managed.
But mainly, it was the headache that hurt.
Not in the physical sense, although it did.
It hurt because I had put so much effort into staying clean.
I was happier (sort of).
I was healthier.
I had regained use of my brain.
Well, the limited portion that still processes reasonable thought, at least.
And now, I must begin again.
What a waste.
I couldn't be more disappointed in myself.
I made a promise to never slip.
And I broke that promise.
I am ashamed and at the same time,
I am happy.
Happy because I have realized my mistake.
The error of that one moment of weakness.
And the fact that I have recognized the error,
That makes me happy.
It means that I am past that particular part of my life.
I can now move forward, knowing I have not made some giant mistake.
I have made the right decision.
And the fact that I have reacted so viscerally to my slip up
Means I am no longer under the spell of that useless drug.
No longer compelled by it's siren song.
I believe that I am now stronger for having relapsed.
I can see that it is a fruitless pursuit,
This unattainable search for the perfect life.
I may not be perfect in my living.
But who amongst us is?
I am happy with who I am.
A statement I could not have made even three months ago.
And again, that makes me happy.
As fleeting as that feeling may be,
I must take it in the moment and cherish it.
For who knows what tomorrow may bring.
We must start all over again.
With each new day brings new problems.
Every morning that the sun shines is a gift.
A chance to start again, and to do it better than the day before.
We may not win every battle that we fight.
In fact, we will lose far more than we will win.
But we must take solace in the little victories,
Pyhrric as they may seem.
Because in those seemingly small events,
What is real and true and good about ourselves is revealed.
It's morning again.
The sun is up.
I start all over again.