27 Things That Suck About Turning 27

It was on a dark and stormy afternoon, on the twenty seventh of April, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty one, at 4:09 PM that a young man was born who would single-handedly change the face of the universe as we know it. He is still trying to figure out how to go about that. So instead, he has compiled a list of the shittiest things that go along with getting older.

And awaaaaaaayyyyyy we goooooo!

1. Being referred to as "Sir" by teenagers. And I suspect it's not out of respect. More likely it's passive-aggressive mocking. And I hate it.



2. I am now officially closer to 30 than 20. I know, I was that at 26. But it was easier to rationalize to myself that it wasn't true at 26. Now, there's really no way to get around the fact.



3. I'm expected to be responsible for things. I've spent my whole life avoiding responsibility. Now I'm supposed to be the embodiment of it. Blech!



4. I make old man noises when I get out of a sitting position.



5. My metabolism has slowed waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy down. I can no longer eat 2 Bic Macs and a large chocolate shake and expect to do anything later that day other than nap. In fact, the thought of eating that right now makes me a little queasy.



6. I find myself yelling at kids who are playing on my lawn.



7. Next year is my 10 year high school reunion. Totally not going.



8. I can no longer refer to myself as "prematurely balding". I am now just simply "balding".



9. I have to accept the fact that I might never become a professional golfer. And that sucks.



10. Hearing Metallica and Pearl Jam on the "Classic Rock" radio stations. WTF?



11. Time to start thinking about the finger.



12. At every family get together, I am peppered from all sides with THE QUESTION: When are you getting maaaaa-rried? Well, first I have to trick a woman into thinking I'm interesting enough to spend the rest of her life with (or at least the next 10 years). Then I have to continue tricking her into thinking that being married is what I really want. Then I have to accept the fact that my soul has been destroyed, and I am never going to be happy again. Soooo, next year maybe?



13. I can no longer pull all nighters. Seriously, if I make it to midnight, it's a cause for celebration. And how do I celebrate it? By going to sleep, of course.



14. Being forced to attend a birthday party for a birthday you do not wish to acknowledge. All I want is to be left alone to wallow in the abject discontent that is brought upon by the realization of my own mortality, crushing the tiny little shred of sanity that I have left.



15. Taking vitamins daily. Didn't like them as a kid, and I certainly don't like them as an "adult".



16. You say the names Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris to kids nowadays, and they look at you like you were from the Pleistocene for Christ's sake. If it isn't Hannah Montana or the Naked Brother's Band (whatever the fuck that is), then they have no interest in it. Dumb bastards.



17. I have to be very careful. A fall of more than a meter can cause serious damage, putting me out of commission for a week, maybe two. When I was 20, I fell off of a roof 25 feet off of the ground. Not a fucking scratch on me. OK, I didn't fall, but the end result remained the same.



18. My idea of a crazy Friday night: Giving Floyd a bath and making homemade caramel popcorn.



19. Heartburn and indigestion no longer a laughing matter.


20. My impish sense of humor is no longer considered charming. It is now considered juvenile.


21. All of my oldest friends are married with children, and I'm trying to get rid of my dog because he's too needy.


22. "Getting some herb" no longer means getting some marijuana. It means tending to my garden.


23. I have officially spent more years writing my novel than I have chapters (11 years, 10 chapters).


24. Dreams are not usually of a sexual nature anymore. They are mostly about finding comfortable pants.


25. I have maybe 3 friends that I went to high school with that I still see. That's sad.


26. A good day can be made better by one thing: Taking a nap.


27. This song now makes sense: