Hello boys and girls.
I'm here today to offer you a few helpful tips,
From my kitchen to yours.
Tip Number One
Never, no matter how tempting it seems,
Never ever EVER
Fry ground beef without a shirt on.
Now, I know the ladies out there are saying,
"But Adam, I always fry meat shirtless!"
To that I say,
But it's also very dangerous.
VERY VERY DANGEROUS!
Unless you would like your stomach, and
Spattered with thousand degree oil,
Don't do it.
I am currently nursing 2nd degree burns,
Located on my lady parts.
Tip Number Two
Never eat magically appearing food.
I saw a Tupperware container on the counter,
Opened it up,
It was filled with delicious stir fry.
After a cursory inspection,
For both edibility,
And for anyone looking to thwart my eating their stir fry,
I gobbled up the delicious pea pods,
Mushrooms, and quite a few slices of beef.
Cut to twenty minutes later,
When someone walks into the kitchen,
And proceeds to dump the stir fry in the trash.
"You just threw that away? I would've eaten that!"
To which they respond,
"That has been in the fridge for 3 months."
If I do get sick,
And right now it seems a foregone conclusion,
This will be the THIRD time in the last year
That I have given myself,
Yeah, I'm a frickin genius.
I fear this weekend will not go well.