Friday, April 18, 2008

In the kitchen with Adam

Hello boys and girls.
I'm here today to offer you a few helpful tips,
From my kitchen to yours.

Tip Number One
Never, no matter how tempting it seems,
Never ever EVER
Fry ground beef without a shirt on.
Now, I know the ladies out there are saying,
"But Adam, I always fry meat shirtless!"
To that I say,
That's hot.
But it's also very dangerous.
Unless you would like your stomach, and
Lady parts,
Spattered with thousand degree oil,
Don't do it.
I am currently nursing 2nd degree burns,
Located on my lady parts.

Tip Number Two
Never eat magically appearing food.

I saw a Tupperware container on the counter,
Opened it up,
It was filled with delicious stir fry.
After a cursory inspection,
For both edibility,
And for anyone looking to thwart my eating their stir fry,
I gobbled up the delicious pea pods,
Mushrooms, and quite a few slices of beef.

Cut to twenty minutes later,
When someone walks into the kitchen,
And proceeds to dump the stir fry in the trash.

"You just threw that away? I would've eaten that!"

To which they respond,
"That has been in the fridge for 3 months."

Oh, no.
If I do get sick,
And right now it seems a foregone conclusion,
This will be the THIRD time in the last year
That I have given myself,
Not gotten,
Food poisoning.
Yeah, I'm a frickin genius.

I fear this weekend will not go well.


Loralee Choate said...

That's why I fry my stuff in a wife beater and a thong. MUCH more appropriate.

Adam said...

Sweet. You should have your own cooking show.

Do you remember that show, The Naked Chef? That could be you, only sanitized for public consumption with the wife beater and thong. It could be on the new Food Network spinoff, Food Network: After Dark