Wednesday, May 14, 2008
You take the good with the bad, I suppose.
I don't want to write this. I want to go to bed. I want to lie down and never wake up again. I want to be as insignificant as I used to be. I want to be alone and depressed... that is when I'm truly happy, ironically enough. I am already tired of being a peon.. on the bottom rung again.
I busted my ass for 7 years to get a little respect, and my dirt bag junkie brother goes and throws it down the toilet. He moved to Florida to "get clean". Yeah. Interestingly, Florida is one of the easiest states to smuggle drugs into. But he's getting clean (He said in his most sarcastic tone).
Meanwhile, I'm stuck here truly getting myself clean, and hating every minute of it. I want to get high. I want it now. Don't care how. I'll fucking do whippits at this point. Anything to get normal again. I've been so addled with drugs for the last 12 years, I forgot what regular people's "normal" is.
And you know what? Other people's normal sucks. I like the person that I was. I was funny. I was interesting. I was the life of the party. What am I now? Pathetic, is the first word that comes to mind.
I just want to achieve some semblance of normalcy (my normal, not yours). And right now, I am as far away from normal as I can get. I'm milquetoast. I'm the same as everybody else. I'm nobody. I'm just a guy. Someone easily dismissed and just as easily forgotten in a matter of seconds.
I need to do some thinking. Sorry to lay this on you, blogosphere. I needed to say it somewhere other than inside my head.