Wednesday, May 14, 2008

You take the good with the bad, I suppose.

I don't want to write this. I want to go to bed. I want to lie down and never wake up again. I want to be as insignificant as I used to be. I want to be alone and depressed... that is when I'm truly happy, ironically enough. I am already tired of being a peon.. on the bottom rung again.

I busted my ass for 7 years to get a little respect, and my dirt bag junkie brother goes and throws it down the toilet. He moved to Florida to "get clean". Yeah. Interestingly, Florida is one of the easiest states to smuggle drugs into. But he's getting clean (He said in his most sarcastic tone).

Meanwhile, I'm stuck here truly getting myself clean, and hating every minute of it. I want to get high. I want it now. Don't care how. I'll fucking do whippits at this point. Anything to get normal again. I've been so addled with drugs for the last 12 years, I forgot what regular people's "normal" is.

And you know what? Other people's normal sucks. I like the person that I was. I was funny. I was interesting. I was the life of the party. What am I now? Pathetic, is the first word that comes to mind.

I just want to achieve some semblance of normalcy (my normal, not yours). And right now, I am as far away from normal as I can get. I'm milquetoast. I'm the same as everybody else. I'm nobody. I'm just a guy. Someone easily dismissed and just as easily forgotten in a matter of seconds.

I need to do some thinking. Sorry to lay this on you, blogosphere. I needed to say it somewhere other than inside my head.


Sra said...

Hang in there. I don't know much about you, so I don't know how the now-you is different from the then-you, but in my imagination it's going something like this:

Then-you got high and drunk all the time, and had a really great time, and people seemed to really like him and think he was funny. (That works for 20-something guys, right? But honestly, when you become 30-something guy, it starts to look a little pathetic.)

Now-you is trying to be clean and responsible in the real world. You feel under-appreciated, underpaid, taxed for time, and sapped of your creative energy. You long for the fun days of then-you. Maybe the problem is that you don't know how to find satisfaction in this different mode of living. That doesn't mean it can't be found, though. My best advice is that things really do get easier, and you find ways to feel fulfilled. So don't give up.

Then again, I really don't know you, so can't really say.

P.S. thanks for the secret to the blog roll thing. You are genius.

Loralee Choate said...

Don't give it all up. I know you feel like suck right now, but you were on drugs for a whole lot of years and it is going to take awhile to figure out how to get your life function in a good, happy way without them.

Plus? I know you felt funny, was the life of the party, ect...but that had to come from somewhere. I frankly think you are fucking HILARIOUS, at least on print.

You are going to have some craptastic times in this journey (in that I can TOTALLY relate) but don't throw in the towel, ok? You've worked too hard.

Kell said...

Well I think your funny. Sorry I can't be more motivational aside from that.