Monday, August 18, 2008

Canada Sucks

So I was writing this post tonight about the Olympics and I got really into it. Really into it. And it got ugly. I spent quite a few paragraphs on the Chinese manipulation of the judging, and their blatant prejudice against Canadians. But honeslty, who doesn't hate Canada?

OOOH! We have an extraordinarily low crime rate. Oh, we have such a beautiful country. Everyone here has easily accesible health care. Our air is actually clean!

Just zip it, Canucklehead. You are and will always be nothing more... than America's hat.***

Anyway, I think I may need to edit it down a little, and suffice it to say, I will not be posting it tonight. I just don't have the strength.

I'm trying to have a little self restraint. I am attempting to eat nothing after 8 PM. And this is quite the task for this guy. I love midnight snacks. Pretty much anything will do, ice cream, cookies. You know, the basics. But I like to get a little crazy sometimes. I make this sandwich that has peanut butter and jelly (strawberry jam, to be precise) and I layer over it... Are you ready for this? Potato chips. Swear to God, it's fucking religious. And it's not just for potato chips... any salty, cracker-like product will do. Cheez-its? Sure. Wheat Thins? Why not? Chicken in a bisket? Okay, but don't get too crazy on me here. Garlic and Parmesan croutons? Alright, now you've gone round the bend. Just stop it.

Or Chinese food, speaking of the Olympics. There is nothing better than finishing off your order of General Gau's Chicken silently crouched next to your refrigerator, lights off, being illuminated only by the half cracked door of the fridge. You of course need a little light to make sure that you don't accidentally eat one of those ridiculously hot peppers at the bottom, which BTW, somehow Floyd was fooled into thinking it was a soarerib. I don't knwo who could have done such thing to him. It was hilarious. But I digress. There you are, praying that no one discovers you in your gluttonous state. Well, my gluttonous state, I suppose. What, you guys act like you've never done that before.


By the way, what do you guys call Genreal Gau's where you live? I've heard so many variations on it, it's hard to know who the real General was. I mean, we celebrate him each time we order his delicious chicken, along with an order of the shrimp lo mein and some boneless spareribs. I'm just saying, I want to know who the man really is that made such a delectable dish. So please, weigh in.

But ultimately, eating spicy food at midnight is not really a smart move. I used to be able to do it. Now I just get heartburn the whole next day. It's really quite unpleasant. And thus, not worth it anymore.

So I'm going clean again. Without Cold Turkey, as it were. {I'm silently chuckling, and I don't really care if you are too. It pleased me.}

I must end this quickly, as I fear I may not have the strength to write much more. This lack of caloric intake is affecting me in strange ways. Must... have... Saturated Fats!

*** My apologies to any Canadians offended by these statements.


Sra said...

We say General Tau's.

My kitchen floor is never clean enough for me to feel comfortable sitting on it.

Loralee Choate said...

Canada also has exceptionally hot bloggers. ;)

I have to second Sra on the whole floor thing.