Monday, January 14, 2008

Not giving up, Just giving in (temporarily)

So I had a bad week. Arduous, one could even describe it as.
I don't imagine that all is going to end.
But, I've had some time to consider what happened.
And I'm still not happy.

But looking back, I've never been happy, really.
Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy.
Maybe what I think happiness is,
Is really some ridiculous, idealized version of my life
That I can never even hope to attain.

Maybe my real happiness lies in what it is I have....
Right here. Right now. This life. This is "happiness".
It may not fit a conventional definition of the word,
But it's the closest I'm going to get to it.
I just have to start thinking in a positive manner.
Stop thinking that I'm the only person in the world who feels shitty sometimes,
Because, obviously, I'm not. Everybody feels sad.
We all get these horrible, twisted feelings that we don't even wish to verbalize.
We all have demons that haunt us.

Maybe the ability to supress these demons is the first step.
The first step towards a happy ending.
I just have to start looking at the world with a whole new attitude.
Everything is beautiful. We make our own luck.
Living happily is possible if we just believe it's possible.

I would rather swallow turpentine than live like that.
Truth is, I like my demons. I get my demons.
They're always there when I'm looking for them.
They may not be the best "houseguests" in the world,
But they're mine. Like it or not. I'm fucked up.
And you're fucked up.
But we're all fucked in completely different ways.
And in a sick, perverted way,
That makes me a little happy.


Whimsicalsun said...

Right now I have this whole circle of ideas about time. I mean, I can understand how you feel, I'm confortable with my sadness, because I'm used to. But, the rest of the people, even people that said that love me and cares about me, they preach so loud about love...and I don't want that. I feel bad and that makes me more sad and alone...and totally no normal.
But the time...I mean, why is so easy for them to falling in love?
Two, three times in a year?
What is wrong with people?
That's normal?
Yeah, I know, what is normal? just that sometimes I'm tyred of everything.

Maybe the only thing that we can do, is take care about ourselfs. I'm tyred of hurting myself...but is hard sometimes.
I think when I'm sad...I'm more alive. Pain isn't shallow.

Sorry for spit it out my thoughts in here.

I like your way of writing. I feel similar.
I don't speak english very well...but I understand you perfectly.

Be fine.

Adam said...

hey, feel free to comment whenever on whatever and as much as you want. it's not like i'm trying to save space.

you are so right. i don't understand these people who are constantly falling in love. it took me 6 months to figure it out. and even then i was not sure, but sure enough.

i can totally agree about sadness making me feel alive. pain is the only thing that really does let you know you're still alive.

you speak english well enough. i understand you very clearly. i tried to check out your blog, but i'm afraid my spanish is awful. i can tell you where the library is and ask what time it is. it's really bad. and i'm so dumb, i can't figure out how to translate the page. eventually, i will.

again, thanks for commenting, and thanks for reading. i really never intended for this blog to be a public place. if i did, i never would have wrote some of this stuff in here. but you and a few other people seem to like it. so i'm gonna keep posting my useless thoughts.

take care,