Tuesday, February 19, 2008

A clean pair of pants, and I'm all set.

What a great day. Well, better than most, that's for sure. It didn't start out that way, I promise you that. Being awoken at 6 AM is never good, it's even worse when you don't have to get up. My sister was calling, asking for a favor. In my experience, 6 AM favors are never something you want anything to do with, at least in my family.

Early morning favors from my family in the past have included, but are not limited to:

3 AM- "Hey, can you come and bail me out of jail?" from my brother Mike.

2 AM- "I need you to come and empty out my cellar. The pipes froze and then burst wide open. I have 3 feet of water in there." from my Mom.

2 AM- "Can you come and bail Mike out of jail?" from Mike's girlfriend.

5 AM- "Can you come into work a little early? I know you're not scheduled until this evening, but could you be here in like.... 20 minutes? Oh, and I'll still need you to work your regular shift." from My aunt, who was also my boss.

6 AM- "Can you come and bail me out of jail?" from my Mom. Long story.

And that's just a taste. So you can imagine how excited I was when I answered the phone and heard my sister's voice saying, "Adam, I need a favor."

"OK," I said with reckless abandon, almost like I had never gotten one of these calls before. Was I expecting her to tell me she won the lottery, and I was due a million dollars? Oh, that was so not the case.

"Can you watch Kaileen today? She's got a fever of 101, and the daycare won't take her."

"Isn't she supposed to be in school," I asked idiotically. If she's that sick, how can she go to school?

"Vacation," she replies.

"Mmmph," I say. And she, having known me my whole life, knew that that meant, "I don't want to, but I will because I love you." I hate being predictable. What am I going to say? "No, go screw yourself!" Of course I would watch her, but I didn't have to like it.

"Great, I'l be there in 10 minutes."

Ten minutes? WTF? Can a cracker get a shower at least? Oh no, my friend. Showers are a luxury you don't get to have. Not until later today, anyway.

So I rushed through my morning routine, a quick shave and I was ready for my day of caring for the horribly ill little girl who was due here any minute.

Much to my surprise, I hear the door open (no knock, of course), and Kaileen comes bounding in to the living room where I have set up shop with a gallon of coffee and the morning Boston Globe.

"Uncle!" she exclaims.

"Hey, Leenie! I thought you were sick?" I ask.

"Oh, {cough, cough} yeah, {in sickly manner} I am. I'm real sick. You could cook a chicken on my head."

"Well, maybe for lunch," I said. "Where's your Mum?"

"Outside. She sent my medicine and I need to take it at 1 o'clock."

I look out and she is pulling away from my house. "Well, gee, thanks. Glad I could be of service."

"I brought movies! Ones that you'll like, too."

"Hit me with 'em, Jack."

"Kaileen," she says matter-of-factly, like we had just met. "I have Harry Potter, a football movie, and, the museum movie. Oh, and Ella Enchanted!"

"Football? What, The Longest Yard? It better be the Burt Reynolds version, not the crappy Adam Sandler remake."


"Any Given Sunday?"

"Nope, The Gameplan."

"Oooooh, The Rock. Score," I say, but she doesn't grasp the sarcasm. Ahh, to be 6 again. So oblivious.

"Great! I'll put it in, you make the hot cocoa."

"Suh, yes suh! Anything else, suh?" Again, way over her head.

"No, just the cocoa. Unless you have whipped cream!"

"Anything for you suh." Blank stare.

"Uncle...." She doesn't finish, she just shakes her head. Like I'm completely insufferable. And of course, I am.

All in all, not the worst movie featuring a pro wrestler I've ever seen. (Suburban Commando anybody?) But she knew every word of the damn thing. And would not stop saying the line right before it came up. And then asked me if I heard it. It took all I had not to scream in her face. If you are a movie repeater, please, stay away from me. I cannot be held responsible for my actions. You have been warned.

After the trite and predictible ending, I was anxious to get up and stretch my legs. Oh-ho, no. "Ella Enchanted time!"

"Huzzah! Could we just put a bullet in my head instead?" I mistakenly say outloud.

Without missing a beat she says, "In the front or the side? It's your choice. But first things first...... Ella!"

The sickest little girl in the world

I put the movie in, and realized that Anne Hathaway was the star. Ok. I can deal with this. Not the worst looking lady to have to ogle... I mean look at... for 90 minutes.

Again I say, not a terrible flick. Go ahead, take away my man credentials. You can find them in the medicine cabinet next to my cream rinse (joke. just a joke.). But honestly, it wasn't half bad. They butcher a few classic rock and roll songs. And I was forced into explaining just what the deal with Freddie Mercury was. It was not an easy explanation. I couldn't even begin to convey it to you. It was so surreal. This one question is enough to satiate you. "But if he's a boy, how can he be a Queen?"

Yeah. And I didn't hold back. She now knows what a "queen" is. And alot more. I just can't lie to her. She's too damn smart to fall for it.

The day went on. Floyd got upset because I was ignoring him. He tried to lift his leg on her, to show her he was the boss around here. I have never heard a shriek that loud. Floyd didn't go near her the rest of the day.

We then got out the coloring books, at my behest of course. And I noticed a few things. First, I am 26 years old, almost 27, and I am incapable of coloring in between the lines. I was apalled at my lack of ability. I've colored before. I don't remember my skills being akin to that of a mental patient. It was very disheartenting. Secondly, just a little note: when the crayon says that it's "red", what it really means to say is "pink". I must have tried 5 different red crayons...... all pink. What is that? Some kind of conspiracy? I am right now composing a strongly worded complaint to Crayola. I implore you to do the same on my behalf. It's just misrepresentation. My apple looks quite odd. It's like the Freddie Mercury of apples (you like that call back? I knew you would.).

And then she asked me if I wanted to play backgammon. "What?" I asked. "You know how to play backgammon?"

"Doesn't everybody?"

Sure. As long as the term "everybody" doesn't include me. I can't tell you how embarassing it was to have the rules of backgammon explained to you like you were a 6 year old. Even worse was that I was being treated like a 6 year old by a 6 year old. It was all very confusing.

So I then proceeded to kick her ass in backgammon. I was dancing and jumping around like I was the world champion of the damn game. She was thoroughly unimpresseed. "Act like you've been there before, Uncle" she says to me. It's a phrase she has heard me throw around many times, mostly at these asshole football players who do their stupid dances after they successfully tie their shoes. I had to commend her. "Well done," I said. "Well done."

And right then....... is when she threw up on me.

The Artful Vomiter

What a great day. Even with my pants covered in vomit. It could have been worse. It could have been Floyd she threw up on. And when I say "worse", I of course mean way funnier. So, after a quick change of clothes, I thought that a nap would be the most prudent (and welcome) course of action. And if she wanted to join me, then I wasn't going to stop her.

We awoke several hours later with my sister hovering over the couch. She snatched up her daughter and thanked me for my help. I told her it was no problem. I had never learned a new game and been vomited on in the same day before. Well, okay, once. But truthfully, that was one long night, and it was actually me who did the vomiting on myself, and the game I learned was "Let's see who can drink to the point of vomiting on themselves."

I was the winner that night too.

I rule.


Girl Interrupted said...

Awww, it sounds like a fun day with the niece. I hope she's feeling better.


Adam said...

she's still deathly ill. and now, i have begun my slow descent into the tempestuous waters of this horrid flu.

lucky me. on the bright side, i could stand to lose a few pounds. and what better way to do it than through vomiting and a crippling loss of appetite? those sixteen year old girls are on to something.

Kassy said...

"6 AM- "Can you come and bail me out of jail?" from my Mom. Long story."

so many questions here... hmmm,, I have all the time in the world. you tell me the story and i will pay for the meal!

Adam said...

drunk and disorderly and assault. she'd had too much chivas regal, and she got into a "tiff" (we'll call it) with a police officer. he tried to put the cuffs on her, and she decked him.

that's my mom for ya. she never let the man keep her down.

Adam said...

oh shit. i'm sorry kassy. i accidentally deleted your comment. but i must say.... enjoy your freedom!

Kassy said...

No problem.. I think I will be until the fall. I have been going to school pt but starting in the full I will be ft.