Made a command decision this morning. After the head shaving debacle last week, I became even more aware of my facial growth. More to the point: my goddamn face really itches. So I have taken steps to confront this problem. Namely, I shaved it all off.
And let me tell you, it's ugly. For the last.... almost 4 months my face has been covered in hair. It's been so long, I had forgotten what my face looked like. When it was finally all shaved, I thought an albino psychopath had broken into my bathroom. Like The Da Vinci code, only it made more sense.
Honestly, have you ever let your beard grow for a few months? Oh, my word. It's torture. It takes everything you have to keep yourself from itching it 24 hours a day. You find clever ways to rub your face against abrasive objects. Like my ex-girlfriend, for instance (zing!). But the beard was necessary to allow me to get through the harsh New England winter and keep my face warm while working outdoors. However, that is no longer a concern, so I decided to jettison all dead weight, and the beard had to go.
Now, when I say I had forgotten what my face looked like, that was not hyperbole. It's the God's honest truth, I had forgotten what I looked like. There were scars I never knew I had. I'm stark white because it's the winter and I try to stay out of the sun at all costs. (I've been known to suffer from sunburns from the glow of a medium sized campfire.) Come to think about it, I look like...... Do you remember the end of Return of the Jedi? When Lord Vader implores Luke Skywalker to remove his breathing apparatus so that he can truly look his son in the eye. Well, that is about what I look like.
So to review, I'm: completely bald, alarmingly pale to the point of being almost totally translucent, covered in oddly shapen scars, and facing a humiliating death at the hands of my effeminate Jedi warrior son. Well if I'm being honest here, all of that's not totally true.
I'm not completely bald.