Sunday, March 30, 2008

I can see that you and me aren't gonna be friends.

Look, I'm not a snob. Far from it. I am a highly idiosyncratic man. So I am not unfamiliar with odd tastes. But here are a few ways to assure that I will never be your friend. Now, keep in mind, having one or two (or God help you, three) of these quirks may not wholly disqualify you from any chance at my friendship. It doesn't help, but it doesn't disqualify. But any more than three, and I will pretend to not know you as we pass on the street. I will not give you the time if you asked for it. I may even not let you pass on the crosswalk if I am in my car. The law be damned! So with that in mind, here are some ways you can avoid being my friend.

First way, Put bumper stickers on your car. I really don't care about who you plan on voting for, or what radio station you listen to. I'm not interested in knowing who your copilot is, or what your other car may be. And I especially don't give a rat's ass about how smart your kid is. Because as smart as he is, he wasn't smart enough to ward you off of putting that "Kucinich '08" sticker on the back of your Honda Element.

You find Dane Cook funny. This is a pet peeve of mine. He is not funny. He is the devil. He spouts off crass remarks cloaked by his boyish smirk. Using the word "fuck" does not necessarily make something funny. Try making a joke without it. Take your Ryan Reynolds lookalike, semen joke filled, mispronouncing ass back to Arlington and stay there. The world will, for the first time, thank you.

Enjoy Martin Lawrence "films". Do I really need to say more? If you enjoyed Big Momma's House, or Bad Boys, or Blue Streak, or Big Momma's House 2, well, I just feel sorry for you. You were born without the ability to detect talentless shills masquerading as comedians.

Hate on golf. Look, I don't care if you don't like golf. It's not for everybody, I understand that. But please, don't tell me how boring it is. Or how pointless it is. Or how you could do it if you wanted to. Because you couldn't. It's very hard. I've been playing for almost 20 years, and I am still only classified as "Good." So please, leave it alone. I don't mock your hobbies. Tell you that knitting sucks. Or that doing crosswords puzzles makes you infertile. And I certainly don't tell you how much I hate your kid. That last one may not seem applicable, but it is. Golf is my 20 year old kid. And while he may not be the best kid you could have, he is always there for me when I need him.

Have terrible taste in music. This can easily be summed up by one phrase; "I don't like the Beatles." Oh, you don't? Yeah I can see tha.... Get the fuck out of my sight! Go back to your car and put on your Kelly Clarkson CD, or the latest bullshit from Nelly or Kanye West. You can have all of that top 40 crap. I will gladly take The Beatles. You are obviously not smart enough to appreciate them. So we as a music listening public actually thank you for your sheer idiocy.

Watch American Idol. This goes along with the last one, and is actually confirmation of it. I think I have said all I need to say on the subject.

Tell me why your car is awesome. Yeah. It gets how many miles to the gallon? No shit? And those speakers pump out how many amps? Sweet. And how awesome is the stereo system that you managed to get thrown into the deal? Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, SHUT UP! I DON'T... CAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE! If I had a gun, I wouldn't shoot you. I would shoot your fucking car. And watch you melt into an inconsolable mess. Nothing would make me happier than to see you wrap that car around a tree. But you would be safe. Because that awesome car had the best airbags money could buy.

Listen to your IPOD while I am attempting to carry on a conversation with you. Could you be a little more rude? This is the most dismissive thing you could do to anyone, EVER! Dude, forget about looking for that tune by Wilco you have been trying to get me to listen to for a month, but couldn't find it due to the sheer immensity of your epic music collection. Please listen to me before I take your precious IPOD and drop it into a bucket of water. And don't do the whole "one earphone in, one earphone out" deal. I know where your attention is falling. Don't placate me with your hollow actions. Is it so hard to carry on a conversation these days that that conversation absolutely MUST have a soundtrack? Honestly!

You don't appreciate white trashy foods. Look, I grew up white trash. I still am white trash. I like cheese from a can. Doritos = Heaven. I am not averse to buying Wal Mart brand soda. Dr. Thunder, I presume? Please, don't belittle my eating habits. I don't think you are eating beluga caviar every night. And we can't all make our own low sodium potato chips for your health conscious diet. Some of us don't really care how fat we get. I live in the moment. I live for today! If I want to eat a hot dog covered in Cheez Whiz, that's my prerogative.

Mispronunciation. Don't say "anticdote" when you mean anecdote. Or "probally" when you mean probably. Or nuke-you-lar when you mean new-cle-ar. Or "expecially," oh how I HATE "expecially". And don't use the word irregardless. It's a self contained double negative. Saying regardless will be just fine. And please don't try and say wolf and actually say "woof". You just sound stupid and ignorant. And please, dear lord, please, stop calling Target "Tar-zhay". I will cut you. Seriously.



Those are just a few of the things you can do to cement your status as "not one of my friends". Think I'm full of shit? Try me. I'll IP ban your ass so fast, your head will spin! Just as soon as I figure out what an IP is. And also how I would go about banning it.


______________________________________________

Same day update!

I feel I may have left a false impression. The impression that I don't like Wilco. Totally untrue. I don't like you telling me that I should like Wilco. You are a hipster, who follows trends. And the trendy thing to do is to like Wilco. I, on the other hand, am a person who actually enjoys decent music. So, I naturally gravitate towards good bands. Wilco being one. But please, don't tell me that "I have to listen to this song by this "new band" Wilco." It makes me want to punch you.


16 comments:

Sra said...

Bumper stickers are indeed lame, as are decals.

I'm not familiar with Dane Cook.

Never liked a Martin Lawrence film. Ok, I take that back... the one where he's a thug who tries to rob a white guy who pretty much wants to kill himself anyway... that one was watchable.

I took golf lessons for five years, and won two trophies! But I haven't played in years and likely suck now.

I like about 50% of the Beatles, and think the rest of it is crap. But that 50% is really good stuff.

I love American Idol. I'm not gonna apologize for it. Liking American Idol is not the same thing as liking bad music.

My car is a 1991 Buick Park Ave with a huge dent on the hood. But it was free!

I've never experienced the ipod thing, but I hate when I'm out with a friend and they feel like it's ok to have a cell conversation while I just stand there.

When I was a kid, I ate Cheez Whiz by the spoonful. But I'm not a huge fan of that kind of junk food now.

My boyfriend says nu-cu-lar, and I've been trying to cure him of it for two years. He's finally to the point where he corrects himself every now and then. I've got a long way to go.

Adam said...

sra: you are cooler than i had imagined. I added a link to some dane cook "comedy". eh.

but golf? yeah! chicks who golf (or at least tolerate it) are the COOLEST!

i'm going to wager you like the early beatles. like "she loves you" and "i want to hold your hand" and "yesterday". and not the later stuff like "everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey". or "junk". i love it all. from the corny to the trippy to the just plain weird, like "revolution number 9".

my intention was not to ridicule. (actually, it totally was my intention, however...) obviously people like american idol. 30 million people watch it every week (5 nights a week too! yay!). it just ain't for me. not this guy's cup of sanka. my apologies if i offended you.

your car totally has it over my 1995 thunderbird with "electric" windows. the quotes are a sly way of saying they don't roll up. yeah, so it was a fun winter, and you can see clearer now why i was so pissed at winter's return.

Ipods are the devil incarnate. they are ruining our civilization.

i currently have a blood/whiz ratio of 2.6%. well over the legal limit. but i'm rebel. it's not for everybody.

you are a good woman for nurturing your boyfriend through a most serious affliction. mispronunciation affects 17% of the country, yet there is no known cure for it, short of complete frontal lobotomy. you are truly a saint.

Loralee Choate said...

Oh, god. I don't know if we can be friends or not. I say "Irregardless" and am pretty much a musical dork. while I like NIN and Mika I also went to see Air Supply and Dan Folgerberg in concert. (I also heart John Denver and Neil Diamond.)

However, I have no bumper stickers and I am very fond of deep fried snickers bars and Velveeta.

My only rule in friendship is pretty much know that if you ever want me to break up with you, take me to a restaurant and have them stick a ridiculous hat on my head and have them sing me a stupid birthday song.

Oh, and don't try to "Fix" me.

That's about it.

Loralee Choate said...

P.S.

American Idol makes me want to choose option C, which would be having my outer epidermal layer peeled from my body and acid tossed in my eyes.

Adam said...

loralee: EEEEEEEE! neil diamond? john denver? what the hell is wrong with that? helloooo...againnn....hellooooo.

re: breaking up with you.
you sound as though you speak from experience.

i believe i can overlook the "irregardless", because it is overridden by the deep fried snickers bar. this is worth mutiple bonus points, and almost makes me forget your penchant for using the phrase "awesome possum". ;^D

oh, and, no offense to sra, i would rather be covered in seal blood and eaten alive by sharks than watch more than 2 minutes of idol. no offense.

Neil on this!

Whimsicalsun said...

- I don't have stickers in my car because I don't have a car :)

- I googled Dane Cook, and yeah...I think I know him for an episode in Saturday Niht Live...I don't know if I'm wrong...so, if I'm correct, he's funny for me.

- I watched Bad Boys. I don't know the other movies.

- I don't hate golf. I would like to try it, but in my country, golf is for rich people that have a subscription in a club, sooooo...is imposible for me.

- I have good taste in music. But that doesn't mean that you actually like my taste in music.
And I love The Beatles. My favorite is the White Album.
And...I'm a music freak.

- I hate American Idol.

- Again...I don't have a car.
Actually I'm afraid of cars.

- I don't have an Ipod. I would like to have one.
But that thing that you mention, yes, is disrespectful.

- I hate doritos.

- The pronunciation thing...well...I don't speak english often so...

Adam said...

sol: not having a car is almost better than having one that needs to be fixed every other week.

you find dane cook funny? oh, sol. i... i'm so.... disappointed.

golf is for everybody in america! well, not everybody. it's still a rich man's game. which makes me wonder why i play. because i have never, EVER been rich. EV-VER! but i learned to play when i was little, and i fell in love. so i make sacrifices so i can play. who needs to eat everyday?

now sol, i adore your taste in music. you introduced me to Muse, for crying out loud! no worries, mate. white album? good stuff. i'm a revolver man myself (big surprise).

afraid of cars?

stay away from he ipod! don't let it in! it will change you forever. you will wear khakis and winter hats in the summer. you will wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts. you will never be able to hear a song again without thinking where you would place it in you playlist. please, stay away from them. for the love of all that is good!

i think you get a pass on the pronunciation thing. seeing as you aren't english speaking to begin with. i'd say you do quite well.

Loralee Choate said...

So you aren't breaking up with me?

Awesome 'possum!!!!!

;P

Adam said...

well, loralee, there is one thing. but why don't we head down to bennigans first. oh, and while we're at it, would you mind putting this hat on?

{ahem; "mi mi mi miiiii"; pulls out pitch pipe;f#; "miiiiiiii"}

Happy, happy birthday
On this your special day!
Happy, happy birthday
Is what we're here to say!
HEY!
Happy, happy birthday........
Maaaaay allllll your dreeeams coome truuuuuuuue!
Happy, happy birthday from
Bennigan's to you!
HEY!


(to clarify: never been to bennigans. found the song on a google search. we are not broken up.)

Loralee Choate said...

You are one of the weirdest people on the earth. (Which means I adore you, obviously)

Adam said...

you'd be amazed how often i hear that. not the adoration (though i am universally adored), the weird thing.


btw, right back at ya, kid.

Sra said...

I can respect your distaste of American Idol, but only if it is a distaste soundly formed because you watched the show and didn't like it. If you just hate it but haven't watched it, then I'm afraid I can't respect that.

I myself was resistant to the idea of American Idol, and talked about how stupid it was, but then I ended up watching it many years ago, and I liked making fun of it. Now I genuinely like watching the contestants grow from week to week. I like having favorites and having people that I want to throw tomatoes at each week. I like critiquing. This season is actually very very good, and I have like five favorites and have downloaded many of their performances from the show.

My boyfriend is also one of those people who claims to "hate" American Idol, though he had never watched it before. He told me I couldn't make him watch it with me ever. So I never tried. But guess what? He's watched it with me every time this season. He'd tell you that he only is in the same room while it's on. But he knows the contestants and has his own favorites and hate-orites.

P.S. Thanks for having Elliott Smith in your playlist. Made for a nice soundtrack whilst I wrote this. I saw his last show before he killed himself. Bless his little heart.

Whimsicalsun said...

Oh Sra you saw Elliott...I envy you.


The thing with American Idol...in my case is that I hate how that jury trates the kids in the casting. Their so cruel. I don't know if is a joke, or if is calculated by the director or not, but is still cruel for me.

I watched some episodes of one season in the past, and yeah, they are talented, but I don't like the way they trates people.
My mom watches the show and for that reason I know that they don't change the way of treating the kids.
And I'm not sure that I liked so much prefabricated musicians.

I admit that I watched this Supernova show...the casting for this rock band, and yeah, I liked that show.

Adam said...

sra: i humbly admit that i did, in fact, watch the first season of american idol, much like three quarters of the rest of the world. i enjoyed it. but since then, it has become a tepid mixture of awful singers and lackluster performances.

and as good as the performers may be this year, i cannot bring myself to watch it. the little of it that i have seen (this year) has truly been torture for me. I saw a little snippet of some kid BUTCHERING joun lennon's imagine. that in and of itself was enough to make me want to pull out (what still remains of) my hair.

and i have to agree with sol (whimsicalsun), i envy you for having seen elliot smith. i discovered him too late, and now i am forced to look for performances of his that are posted on you tube. where was his last show?

sol: i never thought you would be an elliot smith fan. surprise surprise!

i hate the judges on american idol too. they are either far too nice to the bad performers, or just plain awful to the OK performers.

i never saw supernova, however. was it an american show or was it chilean?

Whimsicalsun said...

American show.
I think Supernova is the name...I'm not sure. But they did a casting to find the singer of a band with Tommy Lee, Jason Newsted...and...I don't remember who else.
Oh!
Some Guns n Roses guy, I don't remember his name.
It was hosted by Dave Navarro.
I don't even know the result of that album. But the performances in the show was pretty cool.

Adam said...

gilby clarke is just "some guy form guns 'n' roses"?

i kind of remember that show now. i tried to find a cut from the album, but guess what? i couldn't find one! but i did try. maybe tomorrow i'll find a clip for you. or do my best to find one, anyway.

deal?