Look, I'm not a snob. Far from it. I am a highly idiosyncratic man. So I am not unfamiliar with odd tastes. But here are a few ways to assure that I will never be your friend. Now, keep in mind, having one or two (or God help you, three) of these quirks may not wholly disqualify you from any chance at my friendship. It doesn't help, but it doesn't disqualify. But any more than three, and I will pretend to not know you as we pass on the street. I will not give you the time if you asked for it. I may even not let you pass on the crosswalk if I am in my car. The law be damned! So with that in mind, here are some ways you can avoid being my friend.
First way, Put bumper stickers on your car. I really don't care about who you plan on voting for, or what radio station you listen to. I'm not interested in knowing who your copilot is, or what your other car may be. And I especially don't give a rat's ass about how smart your kid is. Because as smart as he is, he wasn't smart enough to ward you off of putting that "Kucinich '08" sticker on the back of your Honda Element.
You find Dane Cook funny. This is a pet peeve of mine. He is not funny. He is the devil. He spouts off crass remarks cloaked by his boyish smirk. Using the word "fuck" does not necessarily make something funny. Try making a joke without it. Take your Ryan Reynolds lookalike, semen joke filled, mispronouncing ass back to Arlington and stay there. The world will, for the first time, thank you.
Enjoy Martin Lawrence "films". Do I really need to say more? If you enjoyed Big Momma's House, or Bad Boys, or Blue Streak, or Big Momma's House 2, well, I just feel sorry for you. You were born without the ability to detect talentless shills masquerading as comedians.
Hate on golf. Look, I don't care if you don't like golf. It's not for everybody, I understand that. But please, don't tell me how boring it is. Or how pointless it is. Or how you could do it if you wanted to. Because you couldn't. It's very hard. I've been playing for almost 20 years, and I am still only classified as "Good." So please, leave it alone. I don't mock your hobbies. Tell you that knitting sucks. Or that doing crosswords puzzles makes you infertile. And I certainly don't tell you how much I hate your kid. That last one may not seem applicable, but it is. Golf is my 20 year old kid. And while he may not be the best kid you could have, he is always there for me when I need him.
Have terrible taste in music. This can easily be summed up by one phrase; "I don't like the Beatles." Oh, you don't? Yeah I can see tha.... Get the fuck out of my sight! Go back to your car and put on your Kelly Clarkson CD, or the latest bullshit from Nelly or Kanye West. You can have all of that top 40 crap. I will gladly take The Beatles. You are obviously not smart enough to appreciate them. So we as a music listening public actually thank you for your sheer idiocy.
Watch American Idol. This goes along with the last one, and is actually confirmation of it. I think I have said all I need to say on the subject.
Tell me why your car is awesome. Yeah. It gets how many miles to the gallon? No shit? And those speakers pump out how many amps? Sweet. And how awesome is the stereo system that you managed to get thrown into the deal? Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, SHUT UP! I DON'T... CAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEE! If I had a gun, I wouldn't shoot you. I would shoot your fucking car. And watch you melt into an inconsolable mess. Nothing would make me happier than to see you wrap that car around a tree. But you would be safe. Because that awesome car had the best airbags money could buy.
Listen to your IPOD while I am attempting to carry on a conversation with you. Could you be a little more rude? This is the most dismissive thing you could do to anyone, EVER! Dude, forget about looking for that tune by Wilco you have been trying to get me to listen to for a month, but couldn't find it due to the sheer immensity of your epic music collection. Please listen to me before I take your precious IPOD and drop it into a bucket of water. And don't do the whole "one earphone in, one earphone out" deal. I know where your attention is falling. Don't placate me with your hollow actions. Is it so hard to carry on a conversation these days that that conversation absolutely MUST have a soundtrack? Honestly!
You don't appreciate white trashy foods. Look, I grew up white trash. I still am white trash. I like cheese from a can. Doritos = Heaven. I am not averse to buying Wal Mart brand soda. Dr. Thunder, I presume? Please, don't belittle my eating habits. I don't think you are eating beluga caviar every night. And we can't all make our own low sodium potato chips for your health conscious diet. Some of us don't really care how fat we get. I live in the moment. I live for today! If I want to eat a hot dog covered in Cheez Whiz, that's my prerogative.
Mispronunciation. Don't say "anticdote" when you mean anecdote. Or "probally" when you mean probably. Or nuke-you-lar when you mean new-cle-ar. Or "expecially," oh how I HATE "expecially". And don't use the word irregardless. It's a self contained double negative. Saying regardless will be just fine. And please don't try and say wolf and actually say "woof". You just sound stupid and ignorant. And please, dear lord, please, stop calling Target "Tar-zhay". I will cut you. Seriously.
Those are just a few of the things you can do to cement your status as "not one of my friends". Think I'm full of shit? Try me. I'll IP ban your ass so fast, your head will spin! Just as soon as I figure out what an IP is. And also how I would go about banning it.
Same day update!
I feel I may have left a false impression. The impression that I don't like Wilco. Totally untrue. I don't like you telling me that I should like Wilco. You are a hipster, who follows trends. And the trendy thing to do is to like Wilco. I, on the other hand, am a person who actually enjoys decent music. So, I naturally gravitate towards good bands. Wilco being one. But please, don't tell me that "I have to listen to this song by this "new band" Wilco." It makes me want to punch you.