Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I've got nothing...Not even a lame April Fools Day joke!


Hello all. I've been incredibly busy today, so no real post to speak of. As you know, it's spring, and with spring comes spring cleaning. This is no small job for this guy. Also, I have been hard at work, trying to become hard at work. But apparently... I'm unemployable. But that's a post I am planning for tomorrow. I'm just saying. Be ready for hilarity and humility. But not tonight. Tonight it's all business.

Or not.

I really have nothing to say. So I guess I'll go to my fall back plan whenever I have nothing to write about. That's right, Floyd.

You know that springtime is here when the birds are singing, the flowers are beginning to bud, and torrential downpours replace the blinding snowstorms. And my favorite springtime indicator: Floyd has fleas. I don't know how the fuck he does it. I suspect that the newly uncovered grass we've been walking through may have played a small role in it. But every time we go out, he challenges me to a race across the field. And me being the hyper competitive adrenaline junkie that I am (ha!), I just can't resist. And let me tell you, he's fast. He may look small, and of course, he is, but he's quick. He has breakaway speed. Over an entire mile, I could probably take him. But in the 100 meters, he's un-frickin'-beatable.

Back to the problem at hand. He is infested. Which, in turn, means my house is now infested. Yay! I just love the smell of Raid. It's so... inviting. And noxious.

An unfortunate byproduct of Floyd's bug problem (which, I guess is my problem too) is the gnawing. He gnaws and gnaws... the poor guy is raw he's been chewing on himself so much. His poor little...gentleman's area... is just bright red. And I, being the great guy that I am, get to apply the aloe to his, well, his nether regions. He both hates and loves this. He hates it because it tastes awful and he's a licker. And loves it because, well, don't you like it when someone touches your nether regions? Yeah. And now imagine it was me doing it! Yeah, try and sleep tonight with that possibility running around in your head: me, some cooling aloe, a rubber glove, and your inflamed genitals. Sweet dreams.

I was considering showing you a picture of the aforementioned rawness. But decided it was a little too crude for my high class site. Also, Floyd refused to pose for any pictures that he deemed lewd and lascivious, and possibly detrimental to his burgeoning acting career. He's a fucking prude, is what I'm saying. And body conscious.

So I dug into the vault for some good old fashioned Floyd cuteness.

This was taken last Christmas (duh!) after Bartlett's big holiday bash. Floyd had wayyyyyy too many eggnogs, and he was feeling a little randy. And he started hitting on this Pug-eranian (pug + Pomeranian). She was digging him, until, that is, her asshole boyfriend, "Max" showed up. He's a purebred Pug. And Floyd isn't afraid of him so much, he just hates to be the "other man". So he starts mackin' this other lovely lady, a Labradoodle. And she is sooooo tanked, it was pretty much a sure thing. I told him it was a bad idea, but he had his heart set on getting some yuletide cheer, if you know what I mean. So I let him go. I went home, and I waited up for him, you know, to get the details.

And I bore witness to the sorriest walk of shame EVER! Which is when I snapped that picture. Apparently, as Floyd was laying the hammer down on her, he realized that this little bitch (Point of fact: She is a bitch.) is the one who gave our next door neighbor on the other side (his name is Cam, and he's a Boston Terrier), well, she's the one who gave Cam Gonorrhea last summer!

So needless to say, Floyd has been the subject of much ridicule at my and Cam's hands. His nickname was The Clapper for the last three months. Clap on! Clap off! Clap on, clap off... The Clapper!

I'm not entirely sure what the point of that story was, other than as filler material. I'm just happy he took his antibiotics and is all clear now. Because I now have to glove up and go give him another lube job.

I love my life.


Loralee Choate said...

I am exceedingly fond of Floyd's various headwear.

Adam said...

yeah, well, he's never really been too thrilled about it. but he takes it. he's a good little soldier.

however, i think he wants to frag his commanding officer. (now come on! that's totally not dirty. you made it dirty!) (sorry, i have a habit of anticipating jokes.)