Wednesday, April 2, 2008

How to scam the government for money that they rightfully owe you.

Otherwise known as being unemployed and collecting. There is a certain cachet to being unemployed these days. The first one being, it's just sexy. All the ladies are dying to be with a guy who is widely considered to be virtually unemployable. They just are transfixed by my Velcro wallet that is, unbelievably enough, not filled with hundred dollar bills. Yes, the ladies sure do love insolvency.

So I have decided to share some of my trade secrets that I have accrued while remaining jobless. There are a few different levels of difficulty, as you will see. Level one is the easiest way to stay unemployed. So let us begin there.

Level One- Ambivalence
By far, this is my favorite level. It requires the least amount of effort, yet almost completely achieves your goal of not working. This level is best approached by :
A. Not applying for any jobs.
B. Sitting on your couch.
C. Eating Cheetos.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the best chance of getting hired, 10 being the worst, I give this method a solid 9.7 . It's not a perfect ten because there is the remote, and I do mean remote, possibility that you could be contacted to become either a couch tester or a Cheetos taster. So again, I give this method a 9.7, Adam Approved!

Level Two- Aiming far too high
Another solid method, but a little trickier to pull off. It requires you to be prepared for embarrassment, possibly harassment, and maybe even vicious ridicule. The main idea is to apply for jobs so far over your head, you stand no chance whatsoever in being chosen for the position. I, for instance, applied to be the CFO of a national supermarket chain. While I won't say which supermarket it was, I will tell you that it rhymes with Diggly Miggly. They were none too impressed with my resume, to say the least. But remember, the point is to not get hired. All you need is some stupid paperwork to show the Unemployment office so they will continue to give you checks. They never said the opportunities had to be realistic. They just wanted proof that you tried.

The downside of this tack is actually having to complete an interview. That is assuming you get through the screening process and actually get in for one. If you can handle a little embarrassment and maybe some light rude name calling, then this is a can't miss non-opportunity.

Score: 9.0 Adam Approved!

Level 3- Seek office
This one is really easy. I recommend seeking the open Senate seat in your state. Especially if your opponent is a Republican. Being a Senator is really easy. You just show up for work four months a year, and the rest of the time is spent on what are known as "junkets", but are really just taxpayer funded vacations. And don't forget the kickbacks. Ohhh, the kickbacks.

Score: 2.5, Adam says, "I would avoid it!" There is just too good a chance of you winning the seat. Again, especially if you are running against a Republican.

Level 4- When all else fails, Adam says, act like an ass.
This one is very simple for me, but I understand if you may need some pointers. We can't all be a world class ass like me. First, you have to apply for a job you are qualified for. Scary, I know. But we live on the edge. Make sure it's one that you are totally uninterested in. Keep in mind, this approach could backfire, because well, you are qualified. But being qualified can put you in a position of power. It may allow you to make outrageous demands in return for your accepting the job. A few examples:

1. Dental Insurance... for my dog.
2. I want three secretaries. All of very loose moral character. Preferably brunettes, but any will do.
3. A company charge card and a strict "No questions asked" policy.
4. 40 weeks of paid vacation (What are you, a Senator?)
5. An albino elephant.

You can also achieve unemployment from this company by asking insane questions that are sure to get you either a psychological evaluation or just thrown out of the building completely.

Some of these questions would be:
"Do you require everyone to wear ascots?" And if they answer no, tell them, "Too bad. That was my deal breaker," and walk out.

"Can I rollover my 401k from when I left my last job?" When they say that you can, remark "Good. It's actually more like a half million. Those guys were so dumb. I probably could have embezzled twice that much! Next time they won't give me two weeks notice. They'll just fire me." By the time you finish saying this, Security will most likely be there to escort you out. Make sure to ask if you can get your parking validated before they hurl you out the front door.

"How strict is your napping on the job policy?"

Another classic is, while you are admiring his family photos, query, "Is that your daughter? So, what's her situation?" (In a desperate situation, replace daughter with son, and you're golden!)

And if all else fails (and honestly, how could it?) go to the game breaker:
"Do you allow Mexicans to work here? What about the blacks? Jews?" And then sigh in a dejected manner. Surefire winner.

Score: 10 out of 10, Adam says "Go for it! This one is very difficult, and takes a lot of balls. But if you can pull it off, it's truly one of the most rewarding things you will ever do.

Now, these are just a few of the ways you can scam the government out of your rightly deserved Unemployment checks. You've been paying into that system for far too long, while never reaping the benefits of it. Take some time off. And this time, let it be on the State's dime!

Next time, we'll go over the best ways to rack up thousands and thousands of dollars in credit card debt, and then try to claim bankruptcy. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!


Sra said...


I love this.

Adam said...

yeah, well, i now have a warrant out for my arrest for fraud and larceny (just petty larceny. i never made that much money.).

so this may be my last post for a while.

i'm never going to make it in the clink. i'm constantly dropping the soap at home! i can't imagine what it will be like when there's actual pressure to hang on to it.