And when it gets hot,
I like to have some room to "breathe".
The one tremendous disadvantage of having a dog,
Aside from the astronomical food bill, stains on the carpet,
And their insidious need for affection,
Is the lack of nudie time.
You heard me.
Anyone who owns, or has owned,
Or has slept with someone who owned a dog,
Knows that they are voraciously curious about our bodies.
And that sucks.
Like I said, it's hot.
And as a man,
We have certain, appendages,
That need to be air dried,
For fear of the dreaded "Crotch Rot".
It's a common malady,
Which all men have, at one time or another, had to deal with.
And it's no fun.
It is like you have stapled two pieces of 150 grit sandpaper
To the inside of your thighs.
The pain is almost unbearable.
It's the easiest way to prevent it,
And it's also one of the main cures.
After a shower,
Which you must do frequently with "The Rot",
You have to take 20 to thirty minutes to air dry the wedding tackle.
Just let the boys hang out,
On a hot July day, it is divine.
Here comes the wrench in the plan:
God damn dogs.
They are so inquisitive,
It borders on stalking.
I would consider getting a restraining order,
But I'd probably get laughed out of court.
I'm serious though.
Every dog I've ever been naked in front of
Has been keenly interested in my junk.
And do not turn your back on them, naturally.
Or you are asking for it.
Turning around practically begs them to stick their noses up there.
I don't know what's so damn interesting.
I personally find the male form repulsive.
But they are just entranced by it.
The second I gear down, he's right there,
With my bits and pieces in his gaze.
And it's like the Mona Lisa,
You know how they say that no matter where you stand,
It seems as if she is staring at you?
Well, this ain't no work of art your admiring, fella.
It's my...cripes, I've run out of euphemisms.
I thought this might happen.
I'm just asking dogs to lay off.
All I want is 25 minutes to air out my naughty bits.
Is it too much to ask?