Thursday, April 24, 2008

Taking the reins

Wilkommen! Floyd here. I'm doing Adam a favor and writing a few posts for him, because everyone loves me, and I know that you just tolerate Adam. But to hear him tell it, he's under the impression that he's the brains behind our little operation, and I'm just window dressing. Very sexy window dressing, but window dressing nonetheless. But I'm sure you guys are smart enough to know who the real brains are, and it isn't the one of us who only has two legs and pees in a toilet.

Adam couldn't even get a job without my help. I was forced to pull a few strings for him. I got the word out, via my numerous unnamed contacts, that he needed work, and the grapevine led to the right people. And it's nice that he's working, but... well, I don't even want to tell you about the things I had to do to get him the job. Let's just say I had to spend more than a few hours lying on my back, and you can construe that any way you like.

Let's see, what should I talk about today? Either my hilarious misadventures with the moose, or why I'm so depressed and how I deal with it. They're both uproariously funny, in their own special ways.

How about the moose? That's the more lighthearted story, and I'm not in the place I need to be to write about depression. So, the moose it is.

The dipwad and I were walking on Monday, and sometime around the end of the walk, a car stopped us and asked a question.

"Are you going all the way down this street?" the kind older woman curiously probed.

Let me see, unless I want to cut through swampland, 10 different people's yards, and a brier patch, then yes, we might be going all the way down this street. Some people.

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that it might not be a good idea. There's a moose down there. And he might bark at it."

O-kay. Is barking against the law? I know Bush has enacted some strange laws, curtailing most of our civil liberties, but I had assumed barking was an inalienable right. Is it not keeping within your idea of what a dog should do, lady? If it will make you feel better, I'll try to contain myself. She was right. however. I would bark at it. I might even try to fight it if the urge struck me. Knowing this, Adam had the exact same impulse that I had:

We better run like hell to go see that moose!

I think he wanted me to fight it. I can't be sure, but I think that was the case. And I would have too, if I wasn't constrained by this damn harness. We approached the area where "Crazy old lady who warned us about the moose" had said it would be. There was a clearing in the woods, leading to a path. Should we take it, or shouldn't we? We both gave it the sufficient amount of thought, and 5 seconds later we were heading down the path. I could smell it immediately. It smelled unlike anything I have ever tracked before.

You see, while we do live in the boondocks of Massachusetts, it is still somewhat civilized. The only moose Adam had ever seen was one that had just had an unfortunate meeting with a semi-trailer. And that moose wasn't in the best of shape. So he was as eager as I to get a good look at this one. We followed the path to its end, but alas, there was no moose to be found. Lying bitch.

We were certainly crestfallen, to say the least. After considering our options, we decided to head back down the trail and back to the house. As we began back, we turned around, and were surprised to find ourselves staring right into the grinning maw of an eight foot tall, 1000 plus pound moose. He was right in the path! Six feet away from us! This was so incredible. Nature at its finest. This majestic creature was standing right there, not on some nature show, right there. I was in awe of its sheer immensity.

I had already decided what I would do: I was going to fight it. Sure, I'm maybe 19 inches tall, on a good day. And if I had been working out, you could call me perhaps 22 pounds. But I knew I could take the fucker. All I had to do was position myself underneath the massive beast, take one leap upwards and grab on to his throat. The story would be over in 5 minutes, after I drained from him the will to live. It would be quite easy. I made a quick, lurching motion towards him. He was startled.

Yeah, I knew it. He was afraid of me. I would now make my move on him. I took off like a jack rabbit, intent on taking down this monster and thus saving the neighborhood from the menace that was he. I would be a considered a hero. Tomorrow's newspaper headlines would read "Local Dog Saves Day, Receives Giant Milk Bone For Efforts". And that would be quite alright. I could live with the fame. He would have to live (or not live) with the ignominious distinction of being felled by an animal 1/50th his size. Truly a David and Goliath story if there ever was one.

All of these wonderful thoughts were running through my head, when suddenly, out of nowhere, my harness snaps to attention, pulling me back towards Adam and leaving one hell of a mark on my little chest.

He scooped me up and we tucked our tails and ran headlong past the moose, leaving our own trail of ignominy in our wake. Just shameful.

The morning papers would not tell of my glorious victory over this indefatigable foe. If anything, they would read "Cowardly man and his devastatingly handsome dog run like little girls from a gentle giant!"

This simply would not stand. They would go about characterizing this beast as harmless, and merely lost and looking for its family. No, no. Not when we knew the truth of the situation. We could see the blood lust in its eyes, smell the acrid smell of rotting human flesh emanating off of him. This animal had killed before. And someday, it will kill again. And it must be stopped. And I can think of no one else to do the job. I am making plans for a group of us dogs to escape and take out the maniacal moose. Come hell or high water, he will be disposed of and disposed of with extreme prejudice. Soon enough, he will no longer be bothering our quiet little town. But that time will be some other day. Because Cam and Ginger pussied out. I will have to do this alone. I believe it to be my destiny. And I will fulfill my destiny. I am destined to. I am assured of reaching my destination. (Are we clear on this whole destiny thing? I can't possibly be any more overt in my declarations.)

Interestingly enough, last night Adam was informed that there was another of Mother Nature's creatures stalking the neighborhood. A black bear was spotted in someones yard, pawing at their bird feeder.

I knew what I had to do. I got to Adam, and told him exactly how we should handle this situation:

He should call animal control and have them take care of it. Are you crazy, I ain't fighting no bear. Those things will FUCK YOU UP!

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