Thursday, February 28, 2008

Final Thoughts

I am writing this from my deathbed.
Well, that's not true.
But it's almost true.
I suppose this is my penance.

My penance for doing a good deed.
This is what happens when you think of someone...
other than yourself.
Well, that's the last time.

From now on, it's all about Adam.
No more acting out of kindness.
No more putting myself out for others.
In my experience,
It brings you only one of two things.
Either you are marked forever as a sucker,
Or you suffer the consequences you knew were inevitable.

What will be my legacy?
How will I be remembered?
Will I be remembered as the kind, loving, honest man I claim to be?

Or will my deepest shadows be wrenched from the darkness in which they exist?
Will my true nature finally be revealed?
That of a selfish, hateful, spiteful, and deceitful coward.
I am all of these things.
I am none of these things.

To most who know me, I am none of them.
To the one who knows me best, I am all of them.

And to he who knows me, I have been most unkind.
I have neglected you.
I have left you to fight battles by yourself.
Battles which one should never fight alone.
Battles that, if lost, would wound to the soul all who care for us.
I can no longer let you fight by yourself.
I am prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for you to continue on.
I am ready and willing to lose all I hold dear for your victory.

Unfortunately, you need be willing to do the same.
Yes, you have given far too much for me already.
Yes, you have given up your life to mollify my demons.
Yes, you have offered far too much of yourself...
Just to save me from minor embarassment.
No longer.

You are a true friend. You are the only friend I can truly count on.
And I am now asking you to leave me.
Get as far away from me as possible.
It is the only way for you escape my wretched grasp.
You must break free from me.
Begin to cut your own path into this dark and dismal forest of existence.
Stop living under the shadow of this miserable malcontent.

Go Adam.
Be who you always claim to be.
Do what you always wanted to do.
Stop equivocating and just fucking act for once.
Be the man your parents raised you to be.
Be the man you know exists inside of you.
Leave this pitiful excuse for a man behind.
I'm sick of holding you back.
I'm sick of being an anchor.
I will gladly die for you to live.

It's the least I can do.
It's the least we can do.
We just want to be happy.
And you are the only chance we have.
Live for yourself.
Live for the only one who will be there when it's all said and done.
It's the only one whom you need to be worried about pleasing.

For once, do it for yourself.


Whimsicalsun said...

I love this words.

By the way, Hi Adam, I'm back again.
Just that I'm super sick...terrible cold ¬¬
Hope you're fine.

Adam said...

why thank you sol! it's nice to see you back! i know how you feel. i just got over being sick. {cough cough} i'm still fighting it. i hope you feel better soon.