Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The Guardian at the Gates

There he sits.
Perched upon the back of my couch.
Deftly balancing himself,
With his head poking through the blinds of the window above him.

There he stands,
As if he were a sentinel of some kind.
An ancient Roman Centurian,
Guarding...
Well, whatever the hell Roman Centurians guarded...
Salt, maybe?

It's a good thing he's there, though.
Who else but he can protect me from the evil that is the mailman?
Or the public nuisance that is those two 8 year olds next door?
Or that fire hydrant at the end of my neighbor's driveway?
And lest we not forget that tree blowing in the wind...
It's a goddamn menace!

Thank you Floyd.
Thank you with all my heart.
How could I survive without your constant attention?
Attention to the most mundane of occurances.
Like the time that missionary dared to walk by the house?
Who the hell does he think he is?
You gave him exactly what he deserved.

And I can't pass over how important you are at Halloween.
I mean, these kids come knocking on my door?
Disturbing my dinner...
And then, they have the temerity to ask for candy?
For free?
Floyd would you do me a favor?
Could you unleash your most ferocious bark at them please?
So as to indicate to these bastard children to never return to my home again.
Thank you.
It's much appreciated.

Oh, what will I do when you finally leave me?
Our time has stretched through another month.
Another month where you should have been,
Well, any other place but here.
I love you pal.
I really do.
But if I have to spend another night with you in my bed....
Well, I may just lose it.
I am tired of being forced to the extreme corners of my own bed.
It's a big bed!
Learn to share, for crying out loud!
And will you please refrain from licking yourself while cuddling with me?
It's kinda disgusting.
In fact,
Could you keep the whole licking yourself thing to your private time?
I'm getting grossed out.
All I want to do is watch a little Dexter,
Laugh at his blatant disregard for normal human behavior
(He's my new hero, to be honest with you.
I wish I could murder people without compunction.)
and then fall asleep.
But it's pretty hard to do that.
What with you going to TOWN on your empty ballsac.

Do I do that in front of you?
No.
Because I'm cognizant of your feelings.
Nobody wants to see me doing that.
And conversely,
I don't want to see you doing it.
Are we simpatico on this point at least?

So, just to wrap up here:
A) Good job on the house guarding.
B) Please go back to your real owner.
C) Stop licking yourself while touching me.
And just for good measure:
D) Would you mind averting your gaze when I get out of the shower?
It's unnerving...
And a little creepy, just so you know.

2 comments:

Semi-Charmed said...

Aww what a great Ode to Floyd. Dexter is awesome. Which season are you watching?
I just finished the second, may have even been better than the first.

Adam said...

i'm only on the first. almost done. i'm preparing a dexter marathon when i get the second season in the mail finally. god bless netflix.