Am I a total donkey? OK, that was rhetorical. Thanks anyway, though. But I am a donkey. I actually turned down the opportunity to get laid tonight. And I am in dire need of it. I need a pipe cleaning like... well, some really clogged up pipes, that's for sure. This perfectly lovely lady called me and asked if I would like to join her and her friends for a night out.
Knowing this group as I do, I am absolutely certain I would have ended up on the sexy end of an Adam sandwich. But it would have entailed doing many things that I am just not in the mood for tonight. Or any night soon, actually.
First, I would almost definitely have to have had a few drinks. Alright. I would had to have drank copiously. And we all know that I have been a very good boy recently and have not had a drink in...how long? That's right, almost two months. You guys are good. Way to pay attention. I'd give you a gold star, but I'm fresh out.
Second, I would have to have smoked. A lot. It just goes so well with drinking. Smoking is like Stan Laurel to drinking's Oliver Hardy. Or Butch to it's Sundance. Or Turner to it's Hooch. Or Harley Davidson to it's Marlboro Man*. They go together is all I'm saying. Like rama-lama-lama and ka-dinkity-ding-da-dong. Not familiar with that last reference? I'm sure you are. Shoo-bop-shoo-wadda-wadda-yippity-boom-de-boom.
Third, I would probably have to smoke pot. OK, maybe not have to. It's sort of a mood enhancer though. And this guy is not up for that right now. Me smoking pot. Not right now. Not again.
Sorry. I was totally looking for a reason to use that pic. I have a couple more I'm just dying to try out, but I have to find the right context for them.
Look, we all know there was never going to be the right context for that one. So let's just pretend like it never happened, and move on. Agreed? OK. Back to my "story".
To do all these things would have set me back in my "growth" as an "adult". Not to mention, I haven't really been in the greatest of moods recently. Not really a ball of laughs. And I can't stand going out at less than 100%. I need to be on my game. My personality is only enjoyable when I am actually saying funny and interesting things. Otherwise, I'm just some guy who is talking too loudly and saying "Do you know what I mean?" all night. Not a fun guy to be around.
So I made the difficult decision to pass up almost guaranteed action, and for what? Well, even though I am not smoking pot, it doesn't mean I'm not getting baked. Oh, this guy is soooo baking it up tonight.
Yeah, I'm pretty much awesome. Spending a Saturday night making brownies and eating said brownies with large amounts of ice cream (Edy's Vanilla Bean. Jealous? Of course you are.)
So what if I'm not getting laid tonight? Is that the only thing that is important anymore? It's not like I can't survive without sex. I've gone through dry spells before. I can be, and on occasion have been, a sexual camel. And no regular camel. No. A frickin' dromedary. I can go for months... years if I have to. (OK. Once, for 16 years, I went without sex. And admittedly, for 13 of those years, I really wasn't even sure about what it was that I was missing.) So don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
Man, I need to get laid. I think I made a huge mistake. But its times like these when I contemplate the true meaning of existence, and I ask myself:
*Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man is a classic of American cinema. Whether you want to believe me or not.
Sunday morning update:
I am proud to say that, despite my chocolate hangover, I only ate a half a pan of brownies last night! Aren't you proud of me? I must now go throw up.