Saturday, April 5, 2008

Please join me in welcoming a new contributor at Shadows on the Wall

Hi there. We haven't been formally introduced. If you have been reading Adam's blog, then you are familiar with me. For everyone else, my name is Floyd. I am a four year old Parson Jack Russell Terrier. I am a purebred. That matter, however, is insignificant, because at the age of 2 I was heartlessly and against my own will, neutered. It was the saddest day of my life. And I have made it my mission in life to inconvenience and otherwise piss off Adam and everyone else ever since.

But that is not why I am here. Adam is currently taking a little respite from blogging. I heard him say so. He is tired and unable to write anything of any significance. Or more importantly, of any interest. So that is where I come in. I am not just a dog, you see. I graduated Suma Cum Laude from the prestigious Greenlee School of Journalism at Iowa State University. I have ghost written several novels for various heads of state, however they shall, at present, remain nameless for varying security reasons.

And even though my credentials are far above and beyond that of the idiot who "owns" me, I figured I would try and give this whole blogging thing a shot. He can do it (sort of), so it must be pretty easy.

My first attempt is going to be a chronicle of life as a dog. It is in the first person (canine) narrative, and will encompass the day to day goings on of what I laughingly refer to as "my life". I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Keep in mind, I didn't enjoy writing this in the least. So, there you go.

And without any further ado, I give you part one of:

INVESTIGATIONS OF A DOG

(Yes, I know I stole that from the Kafka short story. Suma Cum Laude, remember? But the title fits and I am big Kafka fan, so consider it an homage.)




Ohhhh. I don't want to get up. I think it's morning. But I don't want to climb out and check. Why, Adam, do you insist that I sleep curled up in between your legs? It's quite uncomfortable. But I endure, for your sake. However, I really need to take a piss. I wish he would get up.

As much as I like to think to the contrary, I do need you Adam. I have no opposable thumbs to open doors or packages of chew toys, so I keep you around. But the moment I evolve and am capable of opening them on my own, you're dead to me.

Oh! He's moving. Alright. I'll climb out.

HEY! Wake up! Maybe if I stick my cold, wet nose in his eye socket I can jolt him awake.

Well, that did the trick. Morning sleepy head! I need to pee.

Are we going downstairs? You're up. And I need to go downstairs, so logically, I believe you are going downstairs. {sigh} OK, I suppose it's alright for you to go to the bathroom. It's not like I'm in a hurry here.

How you manage to pee in that porcelain bowl every morning boggles my mind. Why do you want that in your house? Why not just go outside like every other civilized mammal on the Earth? Humans. So dumb.

Alright. Let's go. I need to go! NOW!

{Sigh} Yeah, yeah. Hook me up to this demoralizing run. None of the other dogs have to go on a run. You dig a hole through one fence, and forever you are marked as an escape artist. I hate stereotypes. Just let me go already.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yeah, I had way too much to drink last night. Well, let's go greet the neighbors.

"Morning Ginger! How's life at the Bartlett homestead treating you?"

Oh, Ginger. If I were 6 months younger and you weren't so annoying to be around, and I wasn't a eunuch, I'd definitely take a run at you. But alas, 'tis not to be.

"Morning Cam. How goes your percentage of life?"

Poor Cam. He's a good guy. He certainly means well, but dumb as a Doberman.

"What's that buddy? Oh, man. That's awful. I hate getting my nails clipped too. But you made it through, right pal? Another day, another ass to sniff. Speaking of...

Niiice. You have lasagna last night?"

Alright. Time to make my rounds.

Wait a second. This isn't one of mine. It looks like... {sniff} I'm going to need to root around in this one. {sniff sniff} God damn strays. Always coming into my yard, leaving a deuce on my spot. I'm just gonna mark this here with a little mountain dew. And, we're good. Come on back, Tramp, and I'll show you who's boss.

Adam! Adam! Adam! (You would hear this as bark! bark! bark!) It's breakfast time!

Finally! I'm famished. What do we have this morning? And it better not be that new shit. "Makes it's own gravy" my ass. I am well versed in this subject, and I can tell you, it's not gravy. It is warm water poured over my formerly dry food. You can't fool me.

Dammit! You know I hate this stuff, right? What are you having? {sniff sniff} I smell ham, mushrooms, broccoli... Are you making an omelet? Son of a bitch! I get warm mush, and you get an omelet. Ain't life grand?

Oh, you're ready to eat? Oh, don't mind me. I'm eating my food. See? {crunch crunch} Mmmmmm! Delicious!

Man that omelet looks good. Maybe if I stare incredibly hard at it, it will fall off of his plate and onto the floor.

Fork, plate, mouth. Fork, plate, mouth. Fork, plate, mouth. Fork, plate, mouth.

Was that for me? It fell on the floor, so it's obviously for me. I'll just clean that up. {chomp} Damn. Mushroom. Fork, plate, mouth. Fork, plate, mouth.

A little ham. Is that too much to ask? Fork, plate, mouth.

Oh, you're done. Me? No, I'm still working on mine here. You, uh, you got anything for me there? Ham, perhaps? That's a good boy. Plate on the floor. Here we go! Ham! Ham! Ham! Ham!

Broccoli. You bastard.

Oh, yeah, I'm done here. It was REALLY good. So good, in fact, I couldn't finish it all. I spilled a bunch of it on the floor, too. Be careful with those bare feet... D'oh!

I said be careful.

Where you going? Upstairs? I'll come with you. Oh, man. You're going to sit in front of that damn box aren't you? Day after day, in front of that box. What does it offer that I can't? Does it lick you're feet when you aren't paying attention? Does it keep your seat warm when you get up for five seconds? Is it completely dependent upon you for everything? Does it warn you when that guy in the blue suit and the bag of full of paper gets dangerously close to our house, and any house within a two block radius? Does it? No, I didn't think so. But you go play with your box. I'm going to go lay in the sun.

Man, I love the sun. It's so... so... hot. I like heat. One thing, Adam. Can we figure out a way to keep the sun from going away just when I have gotten comfortable. I mean, I spend twenty minutes picking out the perfect spot, circling around it and around it, and just when I get settled, the sun has moved. And I have to go through it all over again.

Two words: Bay. Window. You really need to renovate around here anyway. How about a whole wall, made entirely out of windows? Sure, you sacrifice a little privacy, but think of how many sunny spots I would have!




Oh, I seem to have dozed off there. Ah. My back hurts. I'm going to stretch it out, and while doing so, make a squeal that makes it sound as though I just got hit by a truck. Deal?

What, lunch time... Already? Sweet. What is it today? Pizza? Subs? Chinese? Oh, please let it be Chinese. I love that new place. Their General Gau's Chicken is to DIE for! What? Leftover roast beef? I guess that will do.

Fork, plate, mouth. Fork, plate, mouth. Annnnnd.... Done. Plate?

I love you Adam. I don't tell you that enough. I could eat roast beef fat every day if you asked me to. I'm done. Take the plate away.

Wait, is he talking to me? I suppose I should listen. It might be important. He could be telling me where there is more roast beef.

"Now Floyd, I'll be back in a few hours. You be good. Okay? No pooping on the floor, please. Or we won't go for a walk later."

Wait, what? Did I hear you say we were going for a walk? Yippee! Walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk....WALK!

Hey, where are you going? You said walk! WALK! That's alright, he's probably just limbering up for our walk. He'll be back any second and say "Come on pal! Walk!"

Adam? Adam? Adam? Adam? Adam? Adam? Adam? (remember what I said earlier about what you hear when I say "Adam"?) Adam? Adam? Adam? Adam?


I don't think he's coming back. He's left me. Forever. I'm all alone. I know I said I could do it, but I can't. I need you Adam! Please, for the love of God, come back! ADAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Alright. Well, there's really only one thing left to do. Well, one grouping of things to do. Take a shit on the floor, then I'm going to go find his slippers, hide them somewhere blatantly obvious but somewhere he will never look, and then take a nap. I'm so depressed.


END PART ONE

1 comment:

Poria said...

Good for people to know.