INVESTIGATIONS OF A DOG
I awoke from my nap, what I believe to be, several days later. Adam was still not home. He was surely out buying me a new toy or a fancy new collar. I had my eye on one specific one, but I'm sure he wasn't listening when I told him which one. I would just have to lovingly accept whichever terribly gauche choice he made, and live with it. Those are the sacrifices you make when you are in a committed relationship, I guess. So I set about putting the house in order before he arrived home.
First, I would do the bathroom. After a cool, refreshing drink from the porcelain bowl, I looked to see if there were any boxes of tissues or loose rolls of toilet paper that needed shredding. There weren't, so I moved on. The bedrooms seemed to be in order, except that I noticed something: There was another dog in there. Yes, ANOTHER DOG! I approached it stealthily, and he did the same. As we got closer, I could see he was a very handsome dog. Well groomed, excellent markings, just a tremendous specimen of good breeding. His devastating good looks aside, I made my attack. Coincidentally, at that exact moment, HE made HIS move. I let a barrage of bellicose barking (I'm a BIG alliteration fan) loose upon him, the likes of which I am sure he had never born witness to before. For all intents and purposes, I cried havoc, and let slip the dogs of war. Antony would have been proud.
Apparently, my ferocity did not frighten him. He came back at me with the same viciousness, which would have made a coward of a lesser animal. Eventually, I was the bigger man, and backed off. I slowly moved away from him, and he from me, and made my way out of the room. He may have won this round, but he will return one day. And when he does, I will crush him.
I made my way back downstairs. There were more important things to attend to. Like pacing back and forth for twenty minutes or so. After that was done, I was fairly certain Adam would never be returning. So I did the only thing I could think to do: I took a shit on the floor. I know I said that would do this earlier, but I remembered Adam's forbearance that if I did, I would not get to go on a walk. Well, reasonably assured of my future as the head of this household, doomed to spend the rest of my days alone and hungry, I made a battlefield decision. I had to go, so I went. Consequences be damned!
And wouldn't you know it, two seconds after I "dropped the kids off at the pool," who comes walking through the door, but good ol' Adam. I was so excited, I wasn't even interested in inspecting my work. It would have to wait until later.
I greeted him, and he, me. He was holding a bag. I knew he was getting something for me! What was it? Some bacon flavored paste for my Kong? Or maybe a new rope tug? Or... or... heavens, I was so excited, I couldn't even formulate any other guesses as to what it might be! Anything but another stupid hat, and I would be happy.
Imagine my surprise then, when he emptied the bag and had nothing for me! All he had purchased were items to fill the giant foodbox. And no treats for me. The compunction of him. The unmitigated gall! I was quite happy I had left him that "present" in the dining room. Serves him right.
I was so angry, I almost didn't hear him when he asked me if I wanted to go on a walk. Of course I did! Let's frickin' go! He put on my harness and slapped on my leash, and away we went. This is the best part of any day. We quickly make our way across the street into the field across the way, so I can inspect for any markings that may not be mine. We then go for a quick sprint down the road. As I am so much faster, and in much better shape, than him, I have to moderate my formidable speed. I allow him to catch up, and then I kick on the afterburners and pull away again. This continues for a good quarter mile or so, until he implores me to stop and inspect some more. I can hear him huffing and puffing. I'm glad he finally quit smoking, but we have a long way to go in his conditioning. But we'll get there. Hopefully.
After a good 5 minutes of him panting, I force him to move along. He is a burden sometimes, but I like having him around. And he feeds me, so I guess I'll keep him. Our travels take us past the home of Miss Alex Conner. She is a rather attractive woman, brown hair, green eyes, and a nice little body. Adam is smitten with her, and I presume that is why we take this particular route every day. So we stop, and Adam flirts with her. It's quite embarrassing, but she seems to respond to it, and even returns the favor. So I allow it to go on. My only problem is that she is a cat person. For this reason alone, I can never allow them to be together. It goes against everything I stand for. I will not share him with someone who willingly spends time with those altogether useless animals. What exactly is it that they do? Lick themselves? I can do that! Shit in a box? Give me a box, and I'll do my best to hit it. No, no. They are disgusting and self centered, and I have no desire to do anything other than eat them. Let alone share my home with one.
I grow weary of these two and their obvious attraction for one another, so I force Adam's hand, and go off to begin our walk again. He is none too happy, but I really don't care. We have business to attend to.
The rest of our walk goes by uneventfully. We arrive back home and he begins to fix dinner. A nice little stuffed chicken dish with baby carrots and red potatoes. I notice that he has set two places at the table. Is my dream coming true? Will I finally get a spot at the table and a dish all of my own? I've waited quite a while, too long in fact, but I deserve this. My time has come.
A knock at the door. Who could be disturbing our nice little dinner? On such an occasion, no less! What the...
Alex? What the HELL is she doing here?
Did her cat escape and she needs him to help her find it? Or maybe she needs ME to kill it for her! I could handle that.
Wait a minute. why is she sitting at the table. At my place! Adam, what the fuck man? I have suffered for the last 3 years, all in the hopes of one day being able to sit at that table and have dignified meal with you, and not being forced to eat off of the floor like a mongrel. And this.... this... charlatan... comes galloping in here, reeking of cat, and now she gets to have dinner with you. This will not stand. It. Will. Not. Stand.
Look at her. All painted up like a some kind of clown. A whorish clown, to be certain. I swear, she isn't going anywhere NEAR our bedroom. I won't have it.
Ooooooh, plates! Mmmm. Mmmmmmmm. Very good, Adam. What's that? Oh, yeah, my dinner was great. It makes its own gravy!
So, I can safely assume she's going to be leaving us now, correct? Honestly, there really isn't much left for you to do. I mean, I guess we could watch a movie or something. That would be okay.
Oh, nice. The Darjeeling Limited. Yeah, well, actually we were supposed to watch it together, just me and you, but I guess she's welcome to join us.
Man, I love Wes Anderson. His movies are so incredible. And Jason Schwartzman? Love him. Don't you agree guys?
What are you doing?!? I thought we were watching this! And you guys are... I'm not sure what you're doing. Does she have food on her face? It's the only reason you need to have your tongue there. And... Hey guys?
Didn't you have clothes on a little while ago?
Oh... Oh my god. Adam! Adam! Adam! I think you're hurting her! Adam! Adam!
Hey! Where are you going? Guys? Guys? Can I come too?
I can't believe they shut the door right in my face. And the movie is still on! There's $3.99, wasted. Well, fuck you. I'm watching this. Screw you guys.
Man, I hope she doesn't need to go to the hospital. Sounds like she's praying, too. She's an odd one. Friggin' cat people. I'll never understand them.
Huh? Adam? I heard the door close. Is she gone? Good. Now, can we please just go to bed? I'm tired, and I have a busy day planned tomorrow. Yeah, hop up on the bed there. AHEM! Covers up? Thank you. I'm just going to burrow into the crook of your legs here, and we can forget all about that lousy cat woman.
Good night, buddy. I love you.
Hey, Adam...What's that smell?
And what am I laying in, and why is it wet?