Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A feeble attempt at self-analyzation that ultimately serves only to reconfirm the overarching concept that has plagued my existence.

I'm finding it hard to be jovial today.
Yeah, it's another one of those days.
I'm just so overtaken by...
That's not the right word.
I don't know the right word.
I've tried to describe this before.
Like here.
Or here even, albeit in an entirely different manner.
But even these don't touch the depths to which my mind has sunk this morning.

I was awake at 3 AM last night.
I had been dreaming of her.
Her name... is not important.
She is the one who has caused me so much distress the last...
Year and a half.

I hate her.
I love her.
I'm constantly overwhelmed by the contradictory feelings I have for her.
How can I be so...

She just has my number, you know?

I wish I could just forget her.
God help me, I've tried.

But my usual outlet for forgetting her is,
Currently unavailable to me.
I can't won't drink.
I can't won't smoke.
And I definitely can't won't fall backwards,
Into the pit that has held me for so many years,
My addiction.

It's this overwhelming grief of being alone
that has clawed at me recently.
I should be somewhere by now.
I should be well on my way down a path that is unfamiliar and strange,
but at the same time calming and welcoming.

I should have a wife,
Two cars, a big house,
And a successful career by now.

But I traded all that in.
For meaningless good times.
For a one night stand that lasted a year.
And during that year,
I fell in love.
I found what I was looking for.
I was happy and content for the first time in my life.
A very uncommon state for me.

I am accustomed to being miserable,
I'm broken,
And no amount of crazy glue can fix me.

Well, if I wasn't miserable,
I am now.
But it's not the same.
It's like I'm living someone else's life.
I have these fears, but they're not mine.
I have wants and desires, but they are unfamiliar.
They are not of my choosing.
I am an empty shell of a man,
Drifting aimlessly through someone else's consciousness.

And as I continue my search for...
For the person I really am,
And may well be again,
She is still there.
Three doors up the road.
At night it's so quiet,
I can hear her laughing from my window.
And I get curious.
I wonder whether I am right in my decision.

I'm weak.
I say I'm done.
Yet I continue to go back.
Hoping that what we had
Can somehow morph into what we both need again.

You can't force love.
I've learned that.
And it's unfair to try.
Unfair to you and to them.

So I drift.
I drift from one meaningless relationship to the next,
And it will go on that way forever.

I'm just not meant for good things.


Sra said...

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a boy. It only lasted two months, but it was love, that I know. But he disappeared one day without a word, and broke my heart. Old story. Boys like to disappear. And girls like to think that they can fix broken boys. That's why we go for the bad boy, even though we know better. Me? I went back to this boy two times (after he reappeared, of course), and each time he treated me with more of the same: like shit. Finally, after that third time, it sunk in that love shouldn't be hard, and when it is, it's not worth it.

There are plenty of people out there to love. So forget that girl and go find someone else (but take time just for yourself first, if you're not ready). Just because you've been in meaningless relationships since her doesn't mean that she is the last meaningful relationship you will ever have.

And you're, what? 26? Plenty of time for wife and kids ahead of you. Enjoy your youth.

Loralee Choate said...

I relate to this more than I would ever wish to.

I'm really sorry. I know there isn't anything I can really say except I've been there, I still am there and I know other people are, too.

Adam said...

thanks guys. i hope this didn't come off as fishing for compliments. i hate people who do that.

sra: i'm not sure about your last statement there. i have enjoyed my youth. but even from an early age, i had a sinking feeling that i wouldn't be a regular person. i just never thought like anyone else. my goals weren't the same as everyone else's.

but if i'm gonna be here, i may as well at least try and be normal. i suggest you go back and read my post entitled "a good walk spoiled" it may shed a little light on my mindset. i think it's in january. i'd look it up and be sure, but i'm lazy. so there ya go.

loralee: simple admission that others are where i am too is consolation enough. thank you.

Sra said...

I didn't mean anything harsh by "enjoy your youth". It's just that sometimes people seem to want to rush their lives along. Like, "I just want to be married," or "I wish I were done with college," or "When I finally have my perfect career..." I know I've said things like that before. And then one day, I wake up, and I'm three years out of college, and I wonder where all that time went, and I wish I could recapture the freedom of the college years.

So you know, I just like to embrace the time of life I'm in. Obviously you need to look ahead, but you need to live in the moment too.

I read your good walk spoiled. That's a crazy story. I've never gone on walks while high, but I know that when you're drunk, you can walk so much farther than when you're sober.

Semi-Charmed said...

I wish I could tell you it would all be OK, but I can relate to your words all to well, and I can't even tell MYSELF it will be OK.