I'm finding it hard to be jovial today.
Yeah, it's another one of those days.
I'm just so overtaken by...
That's not the right word.
I don't know the right word.
I've tried to describe this before.
Or here even, albeit in an entirely different manner.
But even these don't touch the depths to which my mind has sunk this morning.
I was awake at 3 AM last night.
I had been dreaming of her.
Her name... is not important.
She is the one who has caused me so much distress the last...
Year and a half.
I hate her.
I love her.
I'm constantly overwhelmed by the contradictory feelings I have for her.
How can I be so...
She just has my number, you know?
I wish I could just forget her.
God help me, I've tried.
But my usual outlet for forgetting her is,
Currently unavailable to me.
And I definitely
Into the pit that has held me for so many years,
It's this overwhelming grief of being alone
that has clawed at me recently.
I should be somewhere by now.
I should be well on my way down a path that is unfamiliar and strange,
but at the same time calming and welcoming.
I should have a wife,
Two cars, a big house,
And a successful career by now.
But I traded all that in.
For meaningless good times.
For a one night stand that lasted a year.
And during that year,
I fell in love.
I found what I was looking for.
I was happy and content for the first time in my life.
A very uncommon state for me.
I am accustomed to being miserable,
And no amount of crazy glue can fix me.
Well, if I wasn't miserable,
I am now.
But it's not the same.
It's like I'm living someone else's life.
I have these fears, but they're not mine.
I have wants and desires, but they are unfamiliar.
They are not of my choosing.
I am an empty shell of a man,
Drifting aimlessly through someone else's consciousness.
And as I continue my search for...
For the person I really am,
And may well be again,
She is still there.
Three doors up the road.
At night it's so quiet,
I can hear her laughing from my window.
And I get curious.
I wonder whether I am right in my decision.
I say I'm done.
Yet I continue to go back.
Hoping that what we had
Can somehow morph into what we both need again.
You can't force love.
I've learned that.
And it's unfair to try.
Unfair to you and to them.
So I drift.
I drift from one meaningless relationship to the next,
And it will go on that way forever.
I'm just not meant for good things.